Lost in the dark.

My corporate life has been a mess in the past 2 years and these past week made me realized what huge mess I’ve done in my workplace.

I opened up about my feelings to some office mates and my boss, that from the start i didn’t like my job, and that I was just forced to work because of my parents- they want me to be a corporate employee like them. And surprisingly, they are aware that i don’t like my job whereas i thought they don’t give a single fuck about me. As expected, my boss is disappointed at me and i don’t blame him. Everything he said to me was right. That I was unfair to myself and also to them. They love their job, they give their 100% in their work while I’m not, because I don’t like my job. And that passion comes out naturally and you can’t force yourself for loving something you don’t want.

That’s when I realize that I’m really, really fucked up and I almost gave up.

But I didn’t.

I’m still fighting. What’s done is done. This time, this is now all about myself. There’s no time no cry, to lose hope. I know that i cannot make up for those mistakes but we can start again right? My boss even advised me that my 30-day suspension would be my time to apply for another job that I will truly enjoy- no matter how difficult it is. From that, I felt relieved. There’s still hope and the game is not yet over.

It’s time to stand up, self.  This will be all over soon.

Stars can’t shine without darkness.

– D.H Sidebottom

Tired.

Tired.

I’m already tired since two years ago. I’m already tired of trying to care about my job, dreams, everything. I’m already tired of crying every night and pretending everything is alright. I’m already tired lying to my parents and friends that I’m doing good and there’s nothing to worry about. I’ve always felt good in being alone…but this is different. I have no one to talk to what I’m experiencing right now. Even my siblings judge me, and I know that even if my parents tells me that they will support everything that I want in life, I know deep inside that they don’t. Maybe I really deserve all of this, that even after years of hardwork when I was still in school, it will never be enough. Maybe I’m destined to be stuck here forever. A corporate slave. I have a life, but it feels like it doesn’t belong to me. Why? Why life has been unfair to me in the past two years?

It hurts me a lot seeing people pursuing their passion, living their life what they wanted It to be. But me? I’m just holding on to this job because of my parents. Because they want me to be a corporate slave just like them. But this kind of life- it is slowly killing me. Killing my true self. My once hopeful spirit is already gone. I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t give a single fuck anymore in my job, whether my performance rating is low or my officemates are disappointed at me. I just… don’t care what will happen to me. Because right from the start, the moment I entered corporate life, I felt nothing but sadness. I’ve felt that working here is a big mistake, and alas, it really is. Because from the beginning, I know that this kind of career is not for me. But I tried. I fucking tried, and if I could just go back in time and didn’t submit my resume here. If I just fought for what I really want, to pursue graphic designing. But I didn’t. And it is all my fault.

So, here you go folks, I have no choice but to suck up this miserable life of mine.

 

The End.